"Just want you to know that you are thought about…"
A text that I receive from him not so periodically
No matter how random the notification may be, it’s always nice to know that I’m never forgotten about for too long
It’s estimated that our brains produce as many as 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts daily
And he’s thoughtful enough to lend me one of those every now and then
Thumbing through the profiles of those men that I considered to have loved
There’s no denying that he was one of them
Almost 2 years of the usual “off and on again” story
Of course when one was on the other was off. Lol. Typical.
He was something like the best friend I didn’t know I had
Sarcasm was how we communicated
Laughter was our intimacy.
From our bits and pieces of Kevin Hart references to that random death at a funeral.
And I wonder if he remembers the slow jam playlist battles.
Those were always fun.
As much as I want to, I can’t completely paint him as this monster though, because he brought me twice as much joy as he brought pain
He saw my smile more than he saw my tears
He knew my darkness, and didn’t feel uncomfortable in it
I remember he apologized for everyone after him not being like him
Funny thing is, I was sorry about that too.
They didn’t quite make me laugh like he did.
They saw my sarcasm as a sign of disrespect.
And they didn’t have a mean slow jam game.
But one thing they will always have over him is that I’ll never let them hurt me like I let him.
They’ll have one option only, and that’s to love me right.
I want l o v e.
And not that shallow-can-be-defined love
But that deep-words-can’t-describe-
l o v e
That unforgettable, mend my broken heart, touch my soul, and ease my pain type of love
That kind of love that he reached to kiss my lips and marinated my soul kind of love.
And maybe you don’t understand what I mean, because love is love and doesn’t change much
But maybe you do
Because you, like me have been in love before
And no matter how far gone you thought you were
The love wasn’t strong enough
It wasn’t deep enough
Because you were still able to retrieve it’s beginnings
But the love that you seek for
Started ages before y’all met
And ended centuries after you both left this earth
It was that kind of love that brought you to tears
That kind that made it almost impossible to explain to another why you love him… Or why you love her…
That extraordinary love.
The kind of love that if you ever lost it, your life wouldn’t be whole.
I want l o v e.
And I mean that in every aspect of the word.
I want you to love me through the disappointments. The low self-esteem. The self-doubt. The wounds. The holes. The tragedies. The good times. The great times.
The b r o k e n e s s.
I want you to love me through it all.
And you’ll never have to question my feelings for you
Because I already love you.
Years later she finally explained her reasons for being inconsistent
She took off all of the layers of disappointment, pain, and unspoken words
And laid them neatly across the bed
He was short with her, because by now her inconsistent nature became too much for him to handle
She addressed her issues as she undressed her soul
She started expressing how
He never let her in on the other part of his life
And that killed her
She learned early on how to lay low and remain behind the scenes
She learned how to love from a distance
How to appear “non-existent”
Which is a superpower he taught her early in the game
She knew loving him was wrong
And nothing that could happen would make it right
She knew in a perfect world he’d hold her hand in public
And show the world how much he loved her with his actions
He’d really carry her heart in the pocket of his soul
And dry her tears before they could begin to surface
She had never really loved before him
So she didn’t know where to place it when she received it
Plenty before him professed their love for her
And they left just as quickly as they came
She was broken
And it was that broken-from-birth-type-of-broken
He never once said it was okay for her to fall in love with him
He never once said “it’s me and you against the world”
He never once told her she was worthy of loving him
He never validated her
And maybe the problem was in her seeking his validation
But it’s not like she needed it from everyone, only from him
And it never came
He never sent it in a postcard or a telegram
He never presented it as a smoke signal or a poster project
He left her disappointed
And acted confused every time she acted out
As if he had nothing to do with her hurt feelings
When in reality he had everything to do with it
When she needed him the most he was no where to be found
When she wanted to be a part
He made her feel like the puzzle piece in someone else’s game
When she wanted to be held
His arms were always out of reach
He made her the way she was
Broken. Inconsistent. And insecure.
When she was done taking off all of the layers
He couldn’t understand why she held on to something that happened so many years ago
She didn’t understand either,
But she was just glad that she could finally let it all go
So I am on Day 16 of my 21-Day fast! Glory be to God that I have even made it this far because I definitely couldn’t see it. So what have I learned thus far? Have I received my breakthrough yet? Well that is quite an interesting question to answer. I believe my expectations when I started this fast were a little unrealistic. I wanted all of my problems to magically disappear, at least that’s what I considered a breakthrough to look like. However, let me tell you how it has not gone that way at all. To start with, it seems as though they have gotten worse. I’m learning that I may not be in a place to receive my breakthrough yet. God had to mature me, break me down, humble me so that I can be built back up. This fast has been a testing one. Testing both my spiritual and physical self. However, what I do have is discernment on my situations. I’ve been getting words of wisdom from people that I didn’t expect to be receiving messages from. During this fast, my car broke down, things got difficult on my job, and God revealed to me that I will need to give up candy and chocolate. What?! I love love love chocolate! Anyone who knows me knows that sweets are a terrible habit of mine. I’m a sweets type of binge eater. I eat it when I’m happy, when I’m sad, and when I have absolutely nothing else to do. Do you know how hurt I was for God to tell me that? However, I discussed it with a close friend of mine who put things into perspective for me. She reminded me how I grew up my entire life in foster care and I have absolutely no idea what my family history is because I do not know my biological family. She told me that diabetes could possibly run in my family and God could be trying to prevent me from experiencing the disease. Here I am thinking that the breakthroughs that I wanted to receive would only take affect in the now, but I did not consider That God’s breakthrough would be preparing me for the future. I have learned sooooooo much about myself. I have learned my desires and some of my extremely bad habits. God has placed people around me that fully support my fast and that push me when I want to walk away and give up. He continues to tell me “trust in ME with all of your heart and lean NOT to your understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge me and I will direct your paths”. I’m definitely learning to Trust TRUST T R U S T God’s plan for my life. It is easier to say “not my will but Your will be done Lord” than it is to actually let go and let His will be done. The crazy thing is that although I am already on day 16, God is not finished with me yet! Wait until day 21…
Since I did not start writing about my journey of prayer and fasting on day one, I will summarize how the first five days have been for me. To start, I should tell you what kind of fast I decided to do. I decided to do the Daniel fast. The Daniel Fast abstains from delicacies, meats, and wines and focuses on fresh foods such as fruits and vegetables. I chose the Daniel fast because it seemed to be the one that best fit me. The absolute/supernatural fast (the fast of Jesus and Moses) fast abstains from everything including water, and I do not suggest doing that fast without advice from a doctor who can monitor your health. One of the great things about the Daniel Fast Is that you are not limited to the specific amount of food you can eat, but rather to the kinds of food that you can eat. You are limited to fruits, vegetables, and water, that’s not too bad right?
So, this week has been kind of tough. All I could think about on the first day was what I couldn’t eat! It was actually all I complained about! I have a serious sweet tooth and day one, I was in need of sugar! I almost came very close to eating some candied yams. I know you’re probably thinking that yams are okay to eat, and they are when they are seasoned naturally with nothing at all or a little bit of cinnamon and nutmeg (natural herbs an spices are okay!). However, candied yams have extra stuff like butter and sugar, and some other things that did not align with the Daniel fast and I knew that. I had focused so much on the fasting part, that I had forgot about the first part which was prayer! The hard part about my fast is that I work in a restaurant and temptation is everywhere in that place! However, God immediately placed this word on my heart, 1 Corinthians 10:13,”No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
That told me that everyone is tempted. I am not the first and I surely will not be the last. God is with me always and He will not place me in situations that will become unbearable for me. He will always provide me a way out, which is what He did. He led me to look up more scriptures about temptation which definitely helped a lot. He led me to pray!
God also placed scriptures about Faith on my heart. While reading the bible about faith, I understand that it is by Faith that God works in my life. Remember the lady who had the bleeding for 12 years that said to herself, “If I just touch the hem of his garment, then I will be healed” ? It was her faith that healed her! It is by faith that I will receive my breakthrough! It is by faith that I will make it through this time of prayer and fasting!
Rent is due by tomorrow, and I am $100 short. Now many people would look at me crazy to believe I will have my rent paid tomorrow but I believe God to take care of me. As I reflect back over my life, this is not the first time that I did not have the money for my bills and God ALWAYS took care of me. There is no way that I am going to stop believing in Him now. Prayer and fasting is about TRUSTING God. We have to pray that His will be done and not our own. I trust God’s plan for my life. My plan for myself may lead me to destruction, so I am praying daily that God’s will be done. There is so much more about this journey that I want to tell you, but I will save some for tomorrow. At the end of each post I will leave some scriptures that God placed on my heart during intense moments of this journey. I will also leave topics for you to pray about. I know that oftentimes I do not know what to pray about and so I ask God to reveal to me the things I should be asking for and praying about and He does. I pray that they can be a blessing to you as well. Have a blessed day!
Today marks day 5 and week 1 of my 3 week, 21 day period of prayer and fasting. It has already been an interesting journey. I started this fast because I felt an extreme need for God to take control of my life, or as some of us would say, “I needed God to take the wheel.” I am in a very difficult place in my life and at first, I could not put in words what kind of place it was. Then it came to me, I am in need of a breakthrough. Not just any type of breakthrough, but a supernatural breakthrough!
There is so much going on at my job and I need to start looking for somewhere else to work. My finances are unstable. I have entertained some very unhealthy relationships that have left me feeling empty. My health is not where it needs to be. On top of it all, my spirit is in serious battle. So as you can see, I need a breakthrough in every area of my life.
God placed fasting and prayer on my heart a while ago, but I never did it because I did not understand the purpose of it. While doing my research, I came across a book titled “The Power of Prayer and Fasting: 21 days That Can Change Your Life” by Marilyn Hickey. If ever there was a textbook anointed by God laying out the foundation of prayer and fasting, this is the book!!!!! I started my fast and reading the book at the same time, and although I would suggest one to read the book first and then start your fast, it is a great reference tool while you are going through.
So, I will be using the gift that God gave me, which is writing, to talk about my 21-day journey and it is my prayer that one person’s life is blessed by my experiences and my walk with God. I pray that if God placed a fast on someone else’s heart, that this will confirm it for them and we can both go through this journey together. Matthew 18:20 tells us ” For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
They ask her why she doesn’t write? They love her failed attempts at healing… They love how her words fit effortlessly in place. They love how her words write stories they only saw in movies. They read her poems as if she read it in a book and read her writing as just the book report. No matter how she makes signs, and paints portraits, and engraves the words on her wrist, they are still blind to the fact that her words are stained with blood and tears. They ignore how her words are dipped and marinated in pain. They give her sticky notes reminding her how strong she is to have overcome, while she doesn’t view her life as a victory at all. Wounds that should now be scars are still actively bleeding because even though today turned into tomorrow and tomorrow turned into years of yesterdays, the wounds are still fresh. She still remembers the way she was touched. A feeling of sensuality and intimacy that was far from something a 7-year old could understand, let alone reciprocate. But that didn’t stop the destruction from occurring. That didn’t stop someone from creating another monster. And now as she tries to go back to places where they took pieces of her she can’t find them anywhere.
I’m glad I didn’t take you at your word. I learned a long time ago how to handle you and where to place you in my life. You’re a story teller. One of the best that I know. You told me “perception is reality” as if what I was perceiving was something I was creating in my mind, but the evidence is in the picture. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and no matter how many words you fed me in your stories, you always found a way to dodge every word that describes the truth of what’s in those pictures. I like to call you my illustrator because you say many words however you don’t say shit. But you paint beautiful pictures though. They should put your name in the books next to Leonardo da Vinci, Vincent van Gogh, and Pablo Picasso. Surely you deserve to be named with the greats. I may have majored in biology but I got my minor in your bullshit, and baby you’re full of it. My momma used to say that a liar is someone who tells “stories”. Frankly I think that fits you perfectly. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck then obviously it’s a damn duck. You my friend, have illustrated the signs of a story teller for some time now. Glad I could finally put a title to what it is you do professionally. I do wish you the best. Can’t wait to see your published works.