I never knew how I wanted a man to look at me
Until this one looked at me
His eyes were dark as the coffee before the cream
He was dreamy
He stared through me like he was trying to find the barcode to my soul
He made pleasing me his goal
With just the curve of his lips
He had a smile that sucked the life out of me
I was rendered speechless every moment I glanced at him
His voice caused everything in me to melt
I was thoroughly embarrassed by these feelings that I felt
I just couldn’t believe I was so mesmerized by another human being
He was the very definition of enticement
He used his words in such a way that running game was an understatement
Had me feeling like I was getting finessed
But happy to be blessed by his skills nonetheless
I’m mad at how I consider giving him the best of me
The first, last, and the rest of me
I feel like he is testing me
Because I can’t believe us meeting was a part of my destiny
Baby you fine as hell
And I’m lucky to have experienced you
Be my drug, even if only for a minute
Baby, let me be addicted to you.
I never knew how I wanted a man to look at me
And I loved him something tough. Like love was going out of style.
And the way he loved me back
I thought this love was going to stay for a while
I wanted him to write me love poems with his pain
And let me dance to his love songs on the tips of his eyelids
I wanted him to finger paint his emotions on my canvass
I just wanted him.
I wanted his words on a bare sheet of paper
To hold close to my heart
I wanted his thoughts to resound in the way I moved
I wanted to be his favorite thought of the day
I know he was mine.
But like the match to my favorite pair of socks
He was gone
Gone like he was never here
It was like my memories of him were merely a fantasy
He left, and with him he took the better part of me
But I don’t want it back if I can’t have him with it.
I don’t want to dream any more
Because things aren’t what they seem any more
I keep feigning for these “things” more
Money, clothes, and hoes kind of “things” more
You know other people dreams kind of “more”
I don’t dream right any more
Got me out here wondering what I am dreaming for
Because everybody wants things fast
And the cash does not come as fast as I dream for it
Truth is I lose more of it the more I long for it
And I’m just over it
My dreaming got me kind of lazy
Because actually working to get where I want to be seems all too crazy
Everybody else’s money flow and dreams got my dreams looking a little hazy
Social networks, this uneducated generation, and society all got me feeling like I’m not where I’m supposed to be
But I can’t figure out where else I’m supposed to be
I promise I don’t want to be anyone but me
But sometimes it does feel unfortunate to be me
Because I’m not financially fortunate enough to do these fancy things
That I keep hearing about in some of these people’s realities
And what a calamity it is to have rich dreams but poor thoughts
I just thought I’d be living differently by now
I just want to chase my dreams and feel like it’s okay to do so
But unfortunately dreaming just ain’t the same any more
And I’m just wondering what the hell am I dreaming for.
I can’t tell you how hurt I am that you were able to walk through that door and obliterate everything I built when you left. You came in and kissed my scars that were once wounds and instantly they retracted to the bloody things they were. As if my soul being thumb tacked to yours until the end of eternity wasn’t enough, you thought it would be amazing to staple the evidence of your new marriage to my heart as well. I learned how to live with the fact that I would never get to marry my soulmate. I understood that you made the best decision you knew how to make, and I was not angry at you for it. I understood that you were now far from reach, and that I was okay with. However I was not okay with you tearing down my wall of comfort that I had up. I was not okay with you making love to my heart with your voice like you did so many times before when you were mine. I could not regain my composure after you left every piece of my heart lying scattered across my bed and apartment. I was left with the responsibility of explaining to my heart why she couldn’t have you everyday until the end of forever.
I am furious that you stole all I had left to give someone else.
When you meet a boy
With wounds deeper than yours
Do not enter his bloodstream
Hoping to save him,
Because, love, you will fail-
People can’t be saved,
They’re not things to be repaired.
The most you can do
Is heal your own wounds,
And be there
When he saves himself.
Sometimes I need
To be held
To be cuddled
To be spooned
To be wanted
To feel like I’m needed for just a second
Even if it’s just pretend
Sometimes I want to be needed
Sometimes I need it to be more than just sex.
What’s the difference?” I asked him. “Between the love of your life, and your soulmate?”
“One is a choice, and one is not.
Tarryn Fisher, Mud Vein (via daianayumi)
So I have a new short-term dream (or long-term depending on how you look at it). Let’s just say I paid $33,000 a year to go to school at Clark Atlanta University (which I’m sure I did). That’s $132,000 for a 4-year education. I have been out of school for 1 year and I have yet to make 1/4th of that. My goal is to save $132,000 in 4 years. That’s a big goal, one of which I could probably say that I almost don’t think I’ll make be able to make that goal come true. However will I make that happen? What is the $132,000 for anyways? Your guess is as good as mine. *Runs to God to discuss why this new dream was placed in my heart* Stay tuned…
"Forgive me Lord." I cried.
I thought I was ready for your forgiveness. I lied.
I have asked you on countless occasions to forgive me. Although, with this forgiveness, I never stop sinning
The same sins.
I have even asked you to help me forgive others, including my friends. I have asked that you help them to forgive me for hurting them.
However, I never asked you to help me forgive myself.
Dear Lord, help me to forgive myself for destroying this temple that was once deemed a body.
Forgive me for the acts that I have participated in. Forgive me for acting so ungodly.
Is there any way possible for you to rebuild scraps in a garbage disposal?
May I make a proposal for you to rebuild this trash that was once your daughter?
You’re the God of making impossible possible. So is it possible for one to find the beauty in my ugliness?
Lord help me to forgive myself
For allowing my body to become filthy
Who would ever be crazy enough to love me.
Lord forgive me because I have sinned against you. I am a disgrace before you. I do not deserve your grace, your mercy, or you.
Lord, I know I do not deserve your love.
Lord I know you’re not in the business of rebuilding trash, but God make clean my past, rebuild me with a foundation that will last.
Change my name. Change my label. Prepare a table
Before the presence of my enemies. Show them that you have forgiven my iniquities.
Lord I declare that I am healed. Your servant will be rebuilt. I am forgiven. I am loved, by my Father up above.
You said all these things in your word, and your word will not return unto me void.
God I know I am unworthy of your blessing but I am not letting go until you bless me.
Some days I have to remind myself that I am not broken. I have to remind myself that my spirit is bruised, but I am not broken. Some days I have to fight the tears from making their way from the pit of my tear ducts to the surface of my cheeks. Some days the tears are too powerful to keep from pouring out of eyes crammed shut. Those days I have to remind myself that crying is not bad. Crying is necessary. Some days I have to remind myself that I am more than a conqueror. The funny thing is that some days I really am… More than just a conqueror that is. I’m a survivor.
My thoughts. My tears. My words.
Every day I wake up wondering if I am making the right choice.
Am I making the right choices as far as my dreams go? Am I making the right choices in my relationships? Am I making the right choices as far as my needs and wants go?
The only thing I can actually see at this moment is my present. I have no idea how the choices that I make now will affect my future. I have no idea if telling this guy who loves me sometimes more than I love myself, that he is not the one that I want to be with. I can’t help but believe that there is someone out there who will love me just as much, and that I will mutually love him the same. I will not have to pray daily that God put in my heart for him the feelings that he has for me.
You see, the blog sites, and relationship advice that I have received is only in regards to a man that does not treat you right. I am told that if a man is not willing to commit or love me then he is not the right man for me. However, no one has told me that it is okay to feel like someone who wants to be with you is the wrong one. No one told me that just because he believes he is in love with me does not mean that I have to feel the same. 9 years down this road of back and forth, and I still cannot convince my heart that he is the one. Real love needs no convincing.
I am here to tell anyone that feels trapped in a love that does not belong to them that it is okay to walk away. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Sometimes you have to make choices that may hurt someone’s feelings. No one wants to hurt people purposely, but I know that more than anything, I do not want to continue to hurt myself. I may be missing out on who i am truly supposed to be with because I have settled into this cushy life that does not bring me excitement or passion. It only guarantees me stability.
And to be honest, stability alone is not enough.
I have to convince myself everyday that there will will be another man out there that I am not only meant to be in love with, but that I am supposed to be with. When trying to convince myself fails to work, I am reminded that God loves me. God loves me more than any man ever could. And because I know my God, I know that He is not done writing my love story.
I have had love knock on my door, and I still packed up my things and ran away. I have had love love me so hard, so intensely that I escaped in the middle of the night while love was sleeping. I am here to tell you that if you ever make the decision to love me, I may not know how to receive it. I may not know how to verbalize with my heart that I love you back. I may not know how to recognize love when it surfaces. I have struggled to love myself and I now understand why it is that I love myself. However, there will be times that I may not understand the ways and the reasons that you love me.
I just don’t know when it is okay to let you know about the part of me that scares me the most.
Beware love. I may may break you with my brokenness..