I know that I love you.
It’s not because you have confirmed it for me or because it is the best thing that I could come up with.
I know I love you because 1+1 equals 2.
I love you just because.
I know that there is no one that I have wanted to love more. I have figured out how to love and heal myself with that love. However, I have not quite mastered the way that you want to be loved. I know touches and kisses are the physical representations of that for you. Ironically, they are the more simpler parts of loving you. Simpler things should be easier to give. However, love for me isn’t so black and white. There’s a greater risk for me in simple.
See, what I know is that you have a bull dozer strong enough to knock down my walls, keys that fit the funny shaped keyholes that keep my doors locked, and you have the alarm code to the Brinks security system of my heart. You are a novel in my library. You contain too much substance to be reduced to a chapter alone. You are the foundation of a man that I want to be with, the “standard” so-to-say.
I know that you are the man that defied the laws of gravity that I call love.
I know I love you… Because I love her as if she came from me, and I have never met her. I love her because she is a part of you. She is another example of the beautiful things that come from you. I love every part of you.
I know there is a chance that we are not meant to be together. I am okay with that. I know that I have it in me to love another man just as much, if not more. You have shown me that no matter how hard you may love and lose, you still have more than enough love left to love someone else with even more intensity.
And I know that I will forever love you for that.
To the most beautiful woman that I know, I have to tell you how much I love you before the days got long and too carried away for me to tell you again. I sometimes think about how blessed I am to know one of God’s most beautiful creations. You have a heart as big the milky way and as deep as space is wide. I love every piece of your being. From your short mane and your short stubby toes to your perfectly thin eyebrows and light brown sugar complexion, I love you. I love how you keep pieces of yourself hidden as a means not to offend others with your woman. I love how your eyes reflect the sweetness of honey and how your smile has the power to save someone’s day. love the way your mouth slightly deviates to the left when you smile. I love how your mind and heart are constantly in battle. I find it cute when you get frustrated because you don’t think you know enough, but yet you always find a way to teach someone something that they didn’t know. I find everything about you beautiful including the cuts, scrapes, and bruises that you collected as life’s souvenirs. Even your tears are beautiful to me, because when you’re sad, nature seems to adapt to your pain. Hidden in your dimples are the troubles of the world. You are more expensive and precious than diamonds. You are a ruby. You are the breeze on a hot summer’s day and heat on a cold wintery night. You are the sweet potato pie of this generation. You are warm, sweet, a hint of spice with a crispy and sassy shell. The moon’s secrets are hidden in the kiss of your lips and the sun’s knowledge is stored in your forehead. Your thickness provides shelter to the lonely and carries the dreams of a nation. You are nurturing, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, and loyal. I love that you’re a dreamer. You seem to mold the future with your ambition. You’re amazing. And that is why for more reasons than one, that I am irrevocably in love with someone like you. I mean someone like me. I love me some me…
A simple game night led
To her trying to find something at the bottom of a bottle
A wine bottle. Beer bottle. Liquor bottle.
But you were no where to be found.
She has done pretty well with blocking you out of her thoughts
But some times you invade her space.
She misses you.
She loves you.
And had it not been for the fact that she deleted every crumb of you out of her phone, then she would have told you.
She’d give her last nickel to hear you say it back
But she knew there was so much more that you loved more.
Your daughter. Your family. And your music.
And whether her love was expressed in stanzas or acoustics it could not make her important enough to you.
She had an anger that she couldn’t understand to control.
One of the most precious things that a woman could give a man
And another woman was able to give it to you.
She felt like every attempt with you was a loss.
This was why she was so afraid of love. This was why she was so afraid to be loved.
Because what if she loved with all she had and still lost?
She was ashamed that everything that love is, acts like, and sounds like reminds her of you.
All she wants is you but she could never compete with someone who gave you a family.
She cries with a pain deeper than her past.
She would tell you that she loves you more than love itself but she doesn’t even believe she is capable of that type of love.
And if she was, she doubts that it would even matter.
More than anything she would love to be able to function without you even being a factor
But you’re her soulmate, and there’s no such thing as a function without that.
Trying to figure out where I went, and who I was when I left. I was remnants of people I passed along the way. I had hidden myself so deeply that when I went looking for myself, I couldn’t even recognize me. What did I like? Who did I love? Going through the piles of other people’s personalities that I had worn so many times and mine wasn’t even at the bottom. I cried in my silence because I knew I had to start over. I had to sit in my darkness and figure out a way to start a fire within myself. I knew it was time to give up all of the crutches I had been leaning on and learn how to walk, solo. Loving myself hurt. I was in pain. I buried years of broken dreams, disappointments, disbelief, and insecurities in the dimples of my cheeks. The corners of my mouth turned up to show a painted on smile. I no longer recognized myself. I liked what she liked and disliked what he disliked. I didn’t speak up for myself, but instead spoke words that had originated from someone else’s brain. I didn’t know how to think for myself, let alone think. It was so bad that I couldn’t just do a spring cleaning I had to start over. I had to have a garage sale and hope that those people’s dreams I was living would come back to retrieve them. I was hoping the people that let me borrow their thoughts would allow me to return them free of charge. The hardest thing to do was to start living for me, because I was so far gone that my life didn’t seem to have a purpose. I’m the lifeless chalk outline trying to find it’s substance. Trying to understand who I really was when I found myself, so that I could properly attempt to reintroduce myself.
I wrote you a letter ages ago, but never gave it to you out of shame. I was ashamed of the fact that my heart falls in love with you intermittently. Ashamed of the way I break my own heart over and over again. And yet even when I felt like I was the last person on earth that should receive your love, you still loved me. And in spite of the wishy-washy ways of my heart, my soul never forgot you. It seems now that you are out of reach that she cries for you even more than she ever has. I don’t understand her. I don’t understand how she can speak to you when you have declared silence. I don’t understand how she wants to tell only you her secrets. I guess this means I miss you. I tell you all the time how much I love you, and that will never change. I know it’s out of the question to ask the question, if you would give me another chance. I need you in my life. I want that old thing back. And even if I have to start in a lifesaver attached to the lifeboat attached to the ship that holds your heart before you let me all the way back in, I will do it. And if you’re not ready right now, but willing to give me a chance, I’ll wait for you. I know, it’s disappointing how I have a habit of coming around when it’s too late. I just hope it’s really not too late.
The head of a company survived 9/11 because
His son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn’t go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.
One of them
Missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.
Car wouldn’t start.
Get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work but before.
He got there, he developed a blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today..
Now when I am
Stuck in traffic,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone…
All the little things that annoy me,
I think to myself,
This is exactly where
I’m meant to be
At this very moment
I asked him, “If I told you that I loved you, would you believe me?” He replied, “yes.” I asked him why would he believe me, and he told me, “I just would. I have never known you to just say things.” That was a powerful statement to me. In a world where words mean just about nothing, he still trusted mine. He trusted my sincerity. This one has been in my life for what feels like forever; through everything we have been through both together and a part, we have been able to maintain our friendship. It is one of the friendships that I cherish the most. He is always reminding me that he is always there for me. Yesterday, he told me that if he was to ever come across a large sum of money, I would be one of those people he would make sure was taken care of. He would make sure that I no longer had to worry about the major things such as a car note or rent. My heart melted instantly. He is someone that I do not talk to every day. I have been an inconsistent visitor in his life and yet he still cares about me. If ever I wanted to put love in a box, or in a book, or on a billboard, he would be in it. Over the years I have tried to define love and figure out what it looks like. He has shown me exactly what that looks like. I disposed of the term “best friend” a long time ago. The people that I placed in that category did not deserve the title and the people that did deserve to go in that category, I did not place them there. However, it is a word that comes very close to how I would describe what he means to me, and in the same token, barely grazes the surface. I may have babbled about loving people before. However, I honestly and truly love him. It’s the kind of love that I cannot place in novels about romance, because that would limit the love that I am describing. It’s an intimate, interpersonal, intriguing type love. If he never told me that he loved me verbally, he would never have to, because I know, what I know, what I know. I know he loves me. And to think, I love him just because… because he is my superman.