She made them like she was making cookies
Sometimes by the dozen
She had grown overwhelmed by her insecurities
Lost track of places to hide them
She was hurt, by no one but herself
A scarlet letter engraved on her chest
Like the latest tattoo
Her sins became overwhelming
She asked God if he could take everything out of her that didn’t reflect him
And she meant everything
She didn’t want a trace of herself left
She couldn’t bare to know that person any longer.
She imagined that her body would eventually breakdown from her negligence
Truth be told
All she was looking for was love
Thought she had figured it out and stopped searching for it
But it’s impostors found their way to her doorstep
Leading her on just enough to get what she never treasured in the first place
She was so worn down that her label was now a watermark around her glass figure
No one could read her expiration date anymore
They simply tried her out only to figure out if she was spoiled or not
She lost her voice at birth
Left it attached to the umbilical cord
She was the physical reminder of her mother’s mistakes
She now understood that the root of her name meant “mistake” in Latin
She was born a mistake.
She made them like she was making cookies
Words that sound like poison to me: I’m not ready for a relationship. The disclaimer of all disclaimers that keep on disclaiming. I mean, what does that really mean? Do you wake up one day ready? I hate the way that statement stifles relationships or should I say “friendships”. Everybody is out here disregarding the fact that anyone that you have relations with, and I don’t mean solely sexual relations, is some type of relationship. Why is it that that word along can send someone into a conniption? Say it with me RE-LA-TION-SHIP. It doesn’t make sense. Just be honest with me, you don’t want a relationship with ME. I’m fine with that. However what that says to me is that you don’t want any relations at all, because that would then be the very thing that you don’t want. What a contradiction this generation is. All I’m saying is miss me with the BS. I don’t have time for this game that you want to call “playing with words.”
Cameron J “Complex”
Note to self.
Everyone has their own vice
You were mine
You were how I coped with things
Using you gave me a high like no other drug
You were cocaine in my veins
Kush in my lungs
Dilaudid for my pain
You were the reason why I was able to get up and face another day
You gave me courage
You gave me clarity
A numbness that turned to lyrical genius
You gave me creativity
You gave me…
I was so addicted to the high that I would write about it
I labeled this high “love”
Because it seemed to be the one word that the universe identified with
But then all of a sudden it was like my product had dried up
Like my connect was no longer available
You became inaccessible to me
You became that “remember when” thing for me
That “hello, I’m Alex and I was a drug addict this one time in my life” type of thing
You became high memories
I was a captive to how you made me feel
Trying to validate my drug abuse to other people
I was trapped.
But no matter how gnawing the pain
I didn’t struggle to brake free
I didn’t try because being high was the only way I wanted to be
No one else I have ever experienced
Compares to you in the slightest way
No one else made me feel like they were worth quitting you
Nothing gave me that “light at the end of the tunnel” kind of rush
No one or nothing else could shut me down like you
Now what am I supposed to do?
A few people asked me how I was able to quit
As if I could offer them the answers they needed to become less addicted
And I had to embarrassingly try to explain to them how my addiction quit me
Quit me like I was the bad habit
I can’t imagine no longer being able to have it…
To have you.
I hear the sirens in the background
My heart is empty. Broken. Lost
Dealing with the cost of an addiction
Trying to feed my addiction
Tears pull themselves out of my soul
As they search for you
The powder they needed to sniff to survive
The pills they needed to swallow to stay alive
I was suffering when all you had to do was be consistent
Be my regular supply
And if I tried to stop
You are the reason why I tried other drugs!
You are the reason why your hugs were never enough
You are the reason why I am hard to deal with
Trying to deal with
The sins I call my addiction
How am I supposed to do this?
I need you.
I need to breathe you into my lungs and feel your influence run through my body again
I need to feel free again
I need to feel loved… Again
You got my body shaking uncontrollably
Sweat pouring from every place imaginable
I’m cold and then I’m hot again
This withdrawal is taking
All I have left
Just save me.
Before my starved addiction kills me.
High my name is…
I wonder if tears will wash them away
Tears must be the solution
Because my soul feels like crying
I feel soaked with emotion
Drenched in pain
My inside tenses up at the thought of you
Why do I still like you almost a year later?
Why am I able to find those feelings I had when I had you?
How dare my feelings be so cliche?
Why does it feel just as real as it felt yesterday?
Why do I get so upset with time for not forcing my heart to take longer to fall for you?
You were the breath-taking image of a beautiful soul
You wore my smile and regurgitated my laughter
You had gone beyond what any male friend in my life had ever gone before
You were what I didn’t know I wanted.
I saw you…
With someone I’m sure makes you happy now
With someone who gets to hear your stories and heal your insecurities
With someone whose tears actually matter to you
I forgave you the moment everything took a turn
But it was the constant replay in my head that distanced us
I never faced what I felt for you though
I just kind of tucked it into my back pocket
But then while trying to find something to wear
I found those jeans the other day
My soul found a piece of you in my back pocket and wanted to find the rest of you
But she couldn’t…
Because you were so intangible that she was convinced that she hadn’t found anything at all.
It was finally becoming clear to her that love wasn’t about finding someone perfect to marry. Love was about seeing through to the truth of a person, and accepting all their shades of light and dark. Love was an ability.
About last night… 😏
I know that I love you.
It’s not because you have confirmed it for me or because it is the best thing that I could come up with.
I know I love you because 1+1 equals 2.
I love you just because.
I know that there is no one that I have wanted to love more. I have figured out how to love and heal myself with that love. However, I have not quite mastered the way that you want to be loved. I know touches and kisses are the physical representations of that for you. Ironically, they are the more simpler parts of loving you. Simpler things should be easier to give. However, love for me isn’t so black and white. There’s a greater risk for me in simple.
See, what I know is that you have a bull dozer strong enough to knock down my walls, keys that fit the funny shaped keyholes that keep my doors locked, and you have the alarm code to the Brinks security system of my heart. You are a novel in my library. You contain too much substance to be reduced to a chapter alone. You are the foundation of a man that I want to be with, the “standard” so-to-say.
I know that you are the man that defied the laws of gravity that I call love.
I know I love you… Because I love her as if she came from me, and I have never met her. I love her because she is a part of you. She is another example of the beautiful things that come from you. I love every part of you.
I know there is a chance that we are not meant to be together. I am okay with that. I know that I have it in me to love another man just as much, if not more. You have shown me that no matter how hard you may love and lose, you still have more than enough love left to love someone else with even more intensity.
And I know that I will forever love you for that.
iConfess: I’m almost through with love but i want everything in me to love you, though I know that’s a road with a dead end so I love u only in my dreams and let reality keep me grounded. I know how messed up you think you are and I’d still love you, every bit of you. no matter what you think.
Confessions of a girl who loved a boy. Back when I was that girl.